I love my children! I loved my births and the birthing. Each was different and beautiful in it’s own way. My second birth was a beautiful home birth with a midwife who made me feel supported. However, after the birth, I felt different. At first I just thought I’m tired. Yet the feeling persisted. I looked down at my new baby and felt, nothingness. I cared for her and fed her. I found my joy was muted. Like the picture above felt like I was under water and heard sounds but they were muted and unclear. I feared what feelings welled up when she screamed relentlessly night after night. I had to sleep in a chair with her in my arms. I could not put her down. She would not be satisfied. I felt like I was running out of air. I could see the surface above but could not quite reach it. Just helplessly watching the bubbles of my decreasing oxygen escape. I cried, I was angry, I was back to work 3 weeks earlier than I wanted to be. Mind you I worked from home which would seem like a God send, but no. I was here with my attention constantly drawn from work to my screaming little person. I had also a 2 year old who was waiting in the wings. I was, drowning. My husband did not understand what was wrong. Women had done this years before me (to be fair to my husband this is not an uncommon thought). I sank a bit more. People came, cuddled, and went. I sank deeper into the depths. My mind raced about options out. This was not how it is supposed to be. I followed up with my midwife and lied. I said I was fine. Everything was wonderful. I could not bring myself to say I was so incredibly sad.
I happened to have a follow-up with my primary doctor. He went through basic questions. I was tired and that was why I was there. He gave me a list of questions to tick off. I stared at it and tears welled up. I can’t remember the exact questions today, but they were in effect, are you sad, are you depressed, do you feel suicidal? I was scared but tired of being under water and took a chance. I answered honestly. He went over the questions with me and said, I would like you to see a therapist. A what now?
Now I was not okay with this idea, but thought, what the heck. I called a couple therapists met with both and stuck with the one that had more experience in postpartum depression. She was a breath of fresh air. I talked. I said what was on my mind without fear of judgment and I was given homework. Things to work on? Say no more! I have a baby to care for others can wait! I felt freer to acknowledge my feelings. I felt okay saying no and letting people work out there own feelings on how they feel when being told no. I could focus on myself and not be selfish. I started exercising regularly getting outside to walk in fresh air (I love being outdoors). I ate better. I took a shower daily. I got better. I am grateful for that doctors perceptiveness. I know my story is not always the norm when a mom tells her true story postpartum. Armed with this knowledge and experience, I knew what to look out for the next pregnancy and was able to be proactive. I had more support. My hubby made sure I had healthy snacks on hand. I said no when I needed and yes when I wanted. I took off the time from work. I rested and when I could started getting outdoors. I had a doula for my birth. I practiced self massage. I had planned out a better postpartum experience through support, forethought, self-care plan and being honest with myself and others. My feelings are my feelings and I acknowledge them, honor them, and will not be shamed by them. I will ask for help before the calamity arises and if it arises.
This was my experience. This is the catalyst for my work. I love postpartum moms so much. I have walked in the same path and want to support you so that you do not find yourself lost in the depths of dark waters. I want to be there to guide you to the resources you need to get help. I want to provide nourishing touch through massage therapy that is so missing in our culture here in the States. I want to prepare a meal for you so that you have the energy to heal. I want to teach you self-care not because you have no one else to do it, but because you love yourself and want to care for you. If this resonated with you in any way please feel free to leave your experience in the comments for others. The more women who tell their story, the more chance another mom struggling will feel less inhibited to tell her true story and get support.
Much love to you momma! You can and will thrive and I am willing and ready to support you!